It’s September 2020, and this year certainly hasn’t unfolded the way I thought it would. Not even remotely. Early Spring 2020 the world was met with a pandemic that, in the U.S., would continue spreading for months with no real end in sight. Self-quarantine practices, social distancing recommendations, executive stay-at-home orders, and working remotely makes it easy to feel tremendously… isolated. In late March, I hit my personal peak in this loneliness, or valley really. I found myself, at home, miscarrying at 9 weeks.
I don’t share this for pity or sympathy. In fact, I don’t particularly want to share this openly at all. However, I have been emotionally encumbered by the sense of responsibility I feel toward other women who may have gone through this, are currently going through this, or have yet to go through this. Quite honestly, my heart has been changed. I want to be there for others in hopes that it helps them navigate this storm, whether miscarriage or even anxiety over living through the pandemic. If some part, any part, of what I share here can serve you in some capacity then the vulnerability I feel has all been worth it.
I’ll be honest, I’m not who I was before and there are days when I can’t shake feeling sad. Today as I’m writing this, for example, I feel fragile and delicate. As if one wrong word or one more additional task asked of me will shatter my spirit and unleash a waterfall of tears. I force myself to take time in these moments to mentally reflect on the magnificent weight of what I carry day in and day out, and I know I am stronger than anyone else knows. I also dwell on the fact that I am not alone. There are folks around the world just like me carrying burdens they shouldn’t have to. I am not alone, even when I feel most lonely, even when bad news is all that’s available, and even when stress and anger control most of your feelings. These emotions are normal, and amplified by the influence of fear. It’s pride in this strength and endurance that carries me through most days, but every now and then the sadness creeps, and builds, and grabs hold of my thoughts and feelings for awhile, framing everything I do as difficult and insurmountable.
Even on my best days lately I can’t focus as clearly on the future as I like to because quite honestly I don’t recognize it anymore. My job is different. My routines are different. My free time is different. My home projects are mostly complete. We aren’t preparing for the arrival of our first baby as I thought we would be at this point in the year. I’m not completely sure where my next step will land and as a Type A planner this feels very unstable. Each day feels like I’m being pushed along; forced just to show up and simply exist, not thriving, not choosing, not controlling.
So, what do we do in these moments? In these seasons of hardship?
The best I can gather is this:
- Give Yourself Permission
Give yourself permission to cling to the finite number of things that still bring you joy in this hour. You have to give yourself permission to be temporarily selfish. Give yourself grace, and understand that it may take more effort to feel joy and happiness even when doing things or being with people that used to do it for you. It’s okay to retreat for awhile. It’s okay to cut out the toxic people from your life. It’s okay to know which presidential candidate you plan to vote for and refuse to engage in debates about it. It’s okay to stick to a new, or different, or limited routine. It’s okay to pick up a new hobby outside of your wheelhouse or dive in deeper to something you’ve done a million times before. Prime example: I ordered $100 worth of embroidery thread and sewing needles seemingly on a whim and embroidered myself into a cocoon on the couch for three weeks. New hobby. Much needed. With Covid closing my workplace temporarily, and my body physically recovering from the pregnancy loss, it was what I needed in that moment. I was feeling emotionally numb, and wanted to keep my hands busy with a mindless task that had a beautiful, attainable, outcome. As long as you’re being safe and healthy, give yourself permission to find your space and dwell there until it feels safe to come out. - EXTEND A LIFELINE FOR YOURSELF.
I know you won’t want to because I didn’t want to either, but you need to open up. You need to find at least one person, personal or professional, to lean into and speak your truths. It doesn’t have to be eloquent. It doesn’t have to be neat and tidy. Just spill. Pour into them. The weight and pain this will release from you is absolutely paramount to your healing. As an introvert, I know that I refuel through alone time. I thought that after the miscarriage alone time was what I needed to feel revitalized and okay again. I thought being alone would help get me through the physical and emotional pain of a miscarriage, and a global pandemic, but it didn’t. It wasn’t helping. In fact, I was getting worse. What I didn’t account for here, however, was the influence of grief. Grief has a way of pulling you deeper, past the safe level of introspection and recuperation. Grief is dark and ominous. Grief is the villain who walks closely with depression, and you have to be vigilant during seasons of hardship to regularly take stock of where you are, how you are feeling, who and what gives you hope, energizes you, drains you, excites you, makes you feel joy, etc. If you cannot clearly grasp the answers to these questions, I implore you to find someone who can help remind you. There is zero shame in needing community. We literally would not have survived and evolved for thousands of years without it. Embrace that. Invite someone in to help carry your burdens. Seek out a professional if you do not have the personal resource. You need not go it alone. - REMEMBER THAT THIS IS TEMPORARY.
Time repairs. It allows us the space to come to terms with our emotions, the ability to realign and reframe how we think about things, people, situations, and limitations, and lets us adapt and adjust to the new. 2020 has been an incredibly difficult year, and it’s okay to admit that. It’s okay if you didn’t realize until now that things happening in this nation and in the world have affected you in a deeper way than you initially thought. 2020 has shone a bright light on some really dark topics, and made it clear that there is a lot of healing, repairing, and rebuilding to be done. But what can we do when we wish this healing time would move along faster and get us feeling better quicker? My answer: Find a diversion. Busy your mind, your heart, and your hands. Give yourself a break, and allow yourself more time to digest current events in smaller emotional doses.
Here are some concrete suggestions, some of which have worked for me personally:
- Declutter your space, declutter your mind.
- Clean your closets.
- Organize the basement.
- Rearrange the garage.
- Donate unused or unwanted items to a local women’s shelter.
- Sell things porch pick-up style on local Facebook Buy, Trade, Sell pages.
- Hold a socially distant rummage sale in the yard – keep your tables spread out for shoppers to stay 6 ft apart, and use apps like Venmo, Zelle or PayPal to keep your sale contact-free. Also, sidenote: don’t be afraid to chit-chat. Remember that “community” thing I talked about earlier? Yeah, this is it. Connect with people. We have more in common than just the CDC recommended face masks we’re wearing.
- Make a connection.
- Phone or video chat friends or family.
- Send an email to someone you haven’t talked with in awhile.
- Call your parents or grandparents. Trust me, they’ll love it.
- Volunteer at an animal shelter. Help clean crates, walk dogs, or snuggle kittens. Every human interaction experience is a connection that will help find them a furever home. Some places will even let the whole family help, so be sure to ask about bringing your kiddos.
- Check in with your elderly neighbors. They might not be getting out as much, or have as many visitors since the onset of this pandemic. Drop a note on their doorstep, or stop and chat at the mailbox. See if there’s anything you can help them with, grocery store trips, errands, lawn care. You’ll likely make their day for thinking of them.
- Message some friends about starting a weekly online gaming night or podcast recording session. Or, record a podcast about gaming night. The options are limitless.
- Get outside.
- Go for a walk around your neighborhood.
- Make a sandwich and spend some time in your backyard.
- Take a drive to a nearby scenic point, or state park. Hike or bike the trails, easy to moderate, your choice.
- Go camping. Bring the hand sanitizer.
- Jump in the lake. Find a local swimming hole and bring the SPF. Kayaking or boating is always an option as well. Many cities offer affordable rental options through outfitters or clubs that love the great outdoors.
- Have a picnic with the family.
- Do a little research on planetary alignment patterns and do some late night stargazing. Picking out constellations not your area of expertise? No problem, make a game out of spotting satellites, or shooting stars if you’re lucky enough to see one.
- Head to a drive-in movie theater. Wisconsin has 12.
- Start a new project.
- Build a raised garden bed and plant some veggies. Then share them with your neighbors.
- Scour Craigslist for an old RV or camper and renovate it. Then take it camping.
- Repaint or redecorate a bedroom or living space.
- Teach yourself a new craft or skill.
- Download a free watercolor app and create something fun. Or better yet, pick up some inexpensive beginner paint brushes and watercolor paints and give it a go. Keep a Bob Ross mantra going in your head. There are no mistakes, just happy accidents.
- Begin a new book. Message a friend or two and see if they want to start a Facetime Book Club.
- Start a blog or Instagram account about things you love. Photography, classic cars, recipes, local politics, favorite take-out fish fry, your dog. Doesn’t matter as long as you enjoy it.
- Bake or cook something you’ve never tried before. It could become your new household favorite.
- Invest in yourself.
- Follow along to free Youtube exercise videos. Get your heart rate up for 30 minutes.
- Listen to free meditation videos, or download an app that walks you through a mental exercise.
- Read self-help books, or listen to podcasts that can expand your knowledge on new subjects.
- Buy a blender and try a new smoothie every day.
- Take your vitamins.
- Pay down your debt, pay ahead on your bills, and put money in savings and/or travel fund. We’ll be able to travel again someday soon, it’d be nice to have a little nest egg saved up for when that day comes.
- Dink water.
- Give up soda or sugar for 30 days.
- Learn how to make your favorite coffee drink at home.
- Enroll in an online course. Could be How to File Your Taxes 101, Digital Media Tactics in 2020, Aligning Body and Mind, 4 Weeks to an Organized You, whatever strikes your fancy.
Set some goals, large and small, challenging and easy. Make plans for the future. Things won’t always be like this. Let me say that again: Things won’t always be like this. You won’t always feel like this. Give yourself permission to feel safe, find your person to pour your heart and fears into, and repeat to yourself that this season is temporary and there are always, always, things to look forward to.
With so much love,
AW
Disclaimer: Obviously, I’m no expert. I’m not a doctor nor physician nor financial advisor nor therapist. I cannot speak to nor advise on which specific activities or time investments will work best for you and your lifestyle, nor do I advise on any of these aforementioned suggestions in any sort of professional capacity. I’m simply offering opinions on my personal blog that may help inspire you in the midst of a difficult season. Some of these things, including the act of writing this very post, have helped me to mentally survive a pandemic and miscarriage, and if any of my words could inspire hope in you as well then I’d consider this a success. All information and data on this site is for informational purposes only. I make no representations as to accuracy, completeness, validity and will not be liable for any errors omissions or damages, inconsequential or consequential, arising from its display or use. You should not rely on this information as substitute for, nor does it replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. My site may contain links to external sites in an effort to provide clarity and an improved reader experience, but please note that they are not provided, maintained, or in any way affiliated with this blog. I cannot guarantee the accuracy, relevance, timeliness, nor safety of any information found on those external sites.
Amber Wegener 